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POPPO’ PARAKANG

Illustrasi Parakang
Illustrasi Parakang

Oleh : D.Awing

 

MITOS — Daeng Kanang lagi asyik memandangi rumah tetangganya yang baru saja selesai direnovasi, dia nampak sesekali menatap langit-langit rumahnya, dan sedikit bergumam lirih. “Cantiknya mo, rumahnya Daeng Bau tauwwa..!” Gumamnya.

Daeng Kanang dan Daeng Bau, selain mereka bertetangga, mereka juga memiliki nasib yang hampir sama. Mereka sama-sama seorang janda yang sebatang kara, Daeng Bau merupakan seorang janda yang sangat kaya, sedangkan Daeng Kanang walaupun kehidupannya tak sekaya tetangganya itu, tetapi dia memiliki paras yang sangat cantik. Selain sama-sama janda, umur mereka yang tak terpaut jauh, membuat mereka terjadi persaingan terselubung.

Seperti biasanya, menjelang magrib, keduanya terlihat sibuk mempersiapkan segala sesuatu untuk aktifitasnya di malam hari. Daeng Kanang atau akrabnya di panggil DK – mengikuti sikap latah artis tanah air yang sering menyingkat namanya menjadi inisial saja – terlihat menyiapkan kemenyan serta tujuh batang lilin merah di sekeliling nampan besar yang di dalamnya tersaji beraneka macam buah-buahan. Seluruh pintu dan jendela kamarnya dikunci rapat, sehingga anginpun sulit berhembus kedalam kamar. Lampu bohlam 5 watt yang biasa menerangi kamarnya, juga turut dimatikan. Sehingga menambah suasana mistis dalam kamar itu. Di seberang rumah, Daeng Bau atau DB yang tak mau kalah dengan DK yang menggunakan panggilan inisial saja, di lantai dua rumahnya, dia mulai mengganti pakaiannya dengan pakaian hitam ala ninja, tinggal tambah samurai saja maka DB terlihat seperti seorang ninja wanita. Selain nampan yang berisi aneka buah, di sisi nampan terlihat juga ayam hitam yang baru disembelih, itu terlihat dari darah yang masih menetes di sela-sela leher ayam. Apabila diperhatikan, leher ayam itu dipotong bukan dengan pisau akan tetapi karena digigit oleh Daeng Bau. “Sekali lagi kau panggil Daeng Bau..!, ku datangiko..tulis saja DB…ingat ..DB..!” ancam DB kepada penulis agar menyingkat namanya saja.

Ketika azan magrib berkumandang di angkasa, mata DB jelalatan sangat gelisah, Dia sepertinya terganggu dengan suara azan yang berkumandang dari mesjid di kampungnya. Dia kemudian memutar DVD Componya yang juga masih terlihat baru, lagu Keong Racun versi Jojo dan Shinta menghentak keras menutupi suara azan tersebut. Tampak kepala DB bergoyang-goyang, seolah-olah menggeleng-geleng mengikuti irama lagu, seperti baru menenggak sebiji inex, padahal tadi DB cuma meminum bodrex. “Biarmi, yang penting ada diminum sebelum joget” pikir Daeng Bau, sembari melototkan matanya kepada penulis yang kembali lupa menyingkat namanya, serta menanggapi pembaca yang bakal protes membaca tingkah polanya. Sesekali dia menatap cermin, sembari mengikuti gaya lipsync Jojo dan Shinta yang begitu popular di Youtube.com. Pikirnya, walaupun tak setenar Jojo dan Shinta, pastinya, aksinya dinikmati oleh para penggemarnya di situs jejaring sosial JINtube.com.

Di rumah DK tak mau kalah, untuk menutupi telinganya yang merasa terganggu oleh suara azan, sepasang earphone terpasang di telinganya dan pada saku celana jeansnya menyembul keluar Hp merek MIE TOH, Hp Cina mirip BeBeh yang lagi digandrungi remaja putri. Dari Hpnya itu, lagu Cinta Satu Malam, ikut serta dinyanyikan oleh DK. Untuk membuat lebih mirip Melinda penyanyinya, Daeng Kanang memakai kacamata hitam di dalam kamar  yang sedari tadi sudah gelap. “cinta satu malam, oh.. indahnya” Suara cempreng DK menirukan lagu yang didengarnya dari memori HPnya yang berkekuatan 300 MB (Mega Byte). “Apa itu MB, DK ? Memorinya banyak,.. kapang..!” jawabnya ketika ada yang menanyakan arti MB yang tercantum di Hp nya.

Seperti biasanya, keduanya menjalankan misi mingguan mereka untuk mencari mangsa sebagai korban berikutnya. Keduanya dikenal memiliki ilmu hitam yang sangat menyeramkan yaitu ilmu Poppo dan ilmu Parakang. Walaupun orang sekampungnya sudah banyak yang curiga, akan tetapi mereka tak berani menunjuk langsung karena selama ini memang belum ada bukti otentik, padahal sudah diselidiki secara apik, menggunakan lensa optik, dan bukti berupa baju batik, yang sudah dicocokkan ke butik, kemudian laporannya telah dibuat di atas mesin ketik, namun itu semua tak membuat mereka tak berkutik.

Jam telah menunjukkan pukul 23.30 waktu kampong setempat, DK mempersiapkan denah calon korbannya, seperti seorang ahli strategi dia mencoret-coretkan pensilnya diatas kertas agar misinya berjalan dengan sukses.

Setelah itu, diapun mulai keluar dari raganya. Nampak kepala beserta organ-organ tubuhnya keluar dari lehernya yang telah terpisah dari kepalanya. Sejurus kemudian dia memegangi ususnya yang mulai berlemak. Tampaklah ceceran cairan yang berlendir yang menetes dari organ-organnya, mulai menggenangi lantai rumahnya. “Lama aku tidak diet sehingga aku tampak gemuk” ucap DK sembari memperhatikan ususnya yang terburai di lantai rumahnya. Dia kemudian mulai terbang-terbang kecil mengitari rumahnya, dari mulutnya keluar suara andalannya yang ingin dia rekam untuk mendapatkan Grammy Award seperti Christina Aguilera, salah satu penyanyi favoritnya dari sekian ratus artis favoritnya. “Pop…Pop…Ehm..Ehm..test…vocal…1..2..3..test.!” suaranya sedikit berdehem. “Pop..pop..pop..poppo…….pop..pop..poppo..”Suara DK berirama lagu Kucing Garong, sembari menggoyangkan kepalanya (Head Banger) seperti Trio Macan. Tampaknya, dia mulai memodernkan tehnik vocal dari suara yang biasa dikeluarkan oleh Poppo-poppo pada umumnya. Pantaslah, tahun lalu dia terpilih sebagai Poppo terfavorit pilihan pemirsa, pada ajang Kontes Poppo Berprestasi.

Tetangganya tak mau kalah, DB juga mulai menjalankan aksinya, setelah dia merafalkan mantera-manteranya, nampak tubuhnya mulai bergetar hebat. “Grrr….grrr….berubah…..!” teriak DB, dengan tubuh yang masih bergegar. Sekonyong-konyong tubuh DB mulai berubah menjadi seekor kucing yang lebih mirip anjing dengan lidah yang terus menjulur keluar dari sela taringnya yang mulai memanjang. DB nampak ragu melihat perubahan tadi, sepertinya perubahan wujudnya bukan yang dikehendaki. “Kenapa berubah seperti ini ?…” membatin DB mengingatnya. Padahal mantera yang DB rafalkan tadi itu, untuk berubah menjadi Wonder Woman versi Mulan Jameela, atau setidaknya berubah menjadi seperti Cat Woman ala Halle Berry seperti yang biasa dia tonton di DVD playernya. “Pasti ada yang salah dengan manteraku ini” fikir DB sembari kembali mengulangi membaca manteranya lagi. Tapi apa lacur, yang terjadi kemudian DB berubah menjadi sebatang pohon pisang yang berambut, dengan jantung pisang yang berdetak terus memompa darah keseluruh bagian batang. “Kenapa bisa begini ?..” tanyanya dalam hati. Setelah DB mengulangi terus menerus membaca manteranya, akhirnya wujud maksimal yang DB dapatkan hanya wujud Mak Lampir ala Farida Pasha di sinetron Misteri Gunung Merapi, salah satu sinetron yang memiliki rating tinggi pada saat itu. Walaupun demikian, nampaknya DB cukup puas dengan perubahan itu. “Hitung-hitung, masih wujud selebriti juga” fikirnya menghibur diri sendiri. Setelah semua dianggap sempurna, DB pun mulai terbang menembus pekatnya malam dengan motto Vini Vidi Vici : Datang, Bertanding,  Menang.

Ternyata target korban mereka berdua pada malam itu, sama. Entah mengapa bisa terjadi demikian, padahal biasanya target mereka selalu berbeda. Kemungkinan karena habitat calon korban buruannya yang semakin berkurang, diakibatkan karena banyaknya perburuan-perburuan liar yang dilakukan oleh Poppo Parakang yang tak bertanggung jawab.

Target mereka pada malam itu seorang anak guru agama yang baru berumur dua tahun, yang seminggu ini sakit diakibatkan penyakit Campak. Namanya HEndra BATara Daeng ONGjo’, biasa disingkat HEBAT DONG, seperti nama inisial calon bupati dan wakil bupati yang sering dipakai untuk pertarungan Pilkada di tanah air sekarang ini.

“Paak..! Naik panasnya Aco lagi, padahal tadi sudah minum obat, sepertinya dia juga gelisah sekali, kenapa begini..?” Tanya istrinya khawatir.

“Pak..! Bangunki dulu doakan anak ta supaya tidak gelisah, karena kemarin tidak begini ji” Pinta istrinya sembari membangunkan suaminya yang lagi tertidur pulas. Dengan terkantuk-kantuk pak HEBAT DONG, bangkit dari pembaringannya menuju ke istrinya yang lagi menggendong buah hatinya. “Bis….uaah….hmmm” nampak mulutnya komat kamit membaca sesuatu dengan sesekali mengucek matanya yang masih mengantuk. “Bagaimana setan bisa lari kalo kita bacanya sambil tidur, pergiki dulu berwudhu, ka tambah sakitji anak ta kalo begitu..!” Omel istrinya yang melihat anaknya semakin gelisah karena panasnya semakin tinggi, setelah di manterai oleh suaminya. Tersentak Dia mendengar omelan istrinya, “Astaghfirullah … cilaka..salah bacama tadi..!”gumammya dengan rasa bersalah, dengan tergopoh-gopoh dia lari kebelakang untuk berwudhu.

DK dan DB yang sedari tadi mengintai dari balik pohon, akhirnya mendekati targetnya. Dibawah tiang rumah panggung itu, mereka mulai menjalankan aksinya. DK yang datang lebih dulu sudah mulai memasuki celah papan di dalam bilik targetnya. Melihat sik orban dan ibunya hanya berdua, dia mulai mengisap korbannya tanpa lebih dulu  melihat keadaan  sekitarnya,

“Pop..pop..pop..pret..pret..mengapa anak sekecil ini begitu keras isapnya” Pikir DK dengan nafas yang masih sesak, sembari beristirahat menjalankan aksinya. Kemudian dengan kekuatan penuh, dia kembali mengisap mangsanya. “Pop..Pop..hmm..hmm…hmm”Teriaknya dengan tutup mata. Apa yang terjadi kemudian, ternyata mulut DK dan DB yang saling berciuman. Ternyata sedari tadi  mereka saling serang, karena mereka tak mengetahui keberadaan mereka masing-masing.

“Pantas busuk …, ternyata kamu DB .. puih…puih ? Geram DK, sembari meludahkan lumpur yang terisap dari mulut DB. “Kenapakah? Ada ilmu kalo mau makan berkubang dulu di comberang macam kerbau,….puih…rantasa’na ..deh.!” Omel DK kepada DB. “Kau..iya…?..Kenapa ikut-ikutan kesini, ilmumu lagi, kenapa ada kepala terbang dengan usus, seperti mami tukang daging..!” Timpal DB tak mau kalah sengit. “Inikan mangsaku, kenapa kamu juga mau memangsanya..!” Balas DK. “Memangnya ada namamu yang tertulis disitu..!” Bela DB. “Memang tak ada, akan tetapi sesuai perjanjian antara komunitas Poppo dan Parakang, disitu tertulis jelas di Fakta Perjanjian bait ke dua nomor 1a yang bunyinya tertulis : Kalo ada mangsa atau calon korban yang sudah sakit lebih dari 3, hari adalah menjadi bakal mangsa dari komunitas Poppo” Jelas DK panjang lebar seperti anggota Dewan yang membahas undang-undang. “Itu memang betul.., akan tetapi anak ini sakitnya baru dua hari terhitung dari surat keterangan dokternya..” Bela DB. “Memang baru kedokter dua hari ini, akan tetapi sakitnya sudah seminggu..” Sanggah DK lagi. “Tapi fakta yang saya pegang jauh lebih kuat dengan adanya bukti tertulis..” Sanggah DB mematahkan argumentasi DK. “Saya tak tinggal diam, ini akan saya laporkan kepada Dewan Kehormatan Poppo Parakang, dengan tuduhan pelanggaran kode etik…” Ancam DK. “Silahkan, saya akan mengajukan somasi ke Pengadilan Negeri Gaib dengan laporan tindakan tidak menyenangkan, Saya juga akan menyewa tim pengacara terkenal ROH SIGEMBUL dkk..”Balas DB lagi, sembari mulai sibuk menghubungi seseorang hingga misinya semula terlupakan.

Rupanya keduanya, sangat menyenangi tayangan Infotainment yang sekarang ini jadi lagi sorotan, sehingga tingkah polanya, sangat mirip dengan apa yang biasa mereka saksikan. “Biarmi..!” Ujar mereka berdua kompak, seraya memelototkan matanya kepada penulis, karena merasa tersinggung ditulis demikian. “Andaikan bukan dari MITOS yang menulis, dari tadimi ku isap Pallomu (diafragma pada dubur)” Ancam mereka kepada penulis.

Akhirnya dibawah rumah bapak HEBAT DONG terjadi semacam persidangangan kecil yang memaparkan argumentasi mereka masing-masing. Satu sama lainnya tak mau kalah, masing- masing merasa benar sendiri. Hingga tak disadarinya bahwa hari sudah menjelang subuh, ditandai dengan suara kokok ayam yang bersahutan mengumandangkan kebesaran ilahi menyambut datangnya sang mentari pagi. “..ah…matimi…” teriak mereka kaget, menyadari datangnya pagi. Baru saja mereka hendak pergi meninggalkan tempat itu, dari belakang mereka muncul sosok yang selama ini mereka takuti. “Mau kemana kalian, jangan lari” kata sosok itu, sembari membungkus kepala DK dengan sarung serta mengikat tangan DB dengan tasbih yang di bawahnya. “Ampun ustaz….ampuni kami kodong…jangan tangkap kami” Ujar mereka memelas minta ampun. “Kami terpaksa begini…karena ilmu kami memaksa kami begini, kami berjanji tak akan mengganggu rumah ini sampai tujuh turunan” Janji mereka kepada sosok yang mereka panggil Ustaz ini. “Janjimu ini saya pegang teguh dan akan saya bawa kepengadilan akhirat kalau kamu melanggarnya” Ujar sosok itu.

Kemudian sosok itupun melepaskan keduanya, lalu naik ke rumah untuk shalat subuh dan mengobati anak semata wayang dari bapak HEBAT DONG tadi. Ternyata sosok tadi adalah Ustaz BATAGOR (bukan nama makanan) atau Batara Gassing bin Oesman Rapi yang kebetulan ayahanda dari bapak HEBAT DONG. Ternyata Ustaz BATAGOR adalah  sosok yang sangat ditakuti oleh kedua mahluk tadi. Rupanya, secara diam-diam HEBAT DONG menghubungi ayahnya karena melihat gelagat yang tidak lazim yang diperlihatkan anaknya. Selain itu, sinyal-sinyal emergency yang datang dari pagar gaib yang pernah di pelajarinya terus terus mengirimkam tanda “ALERT” yang menandakan jiwa anaknya terancam dari serangan mahluk “STEALTH” yang terus memborbardir pertahanannya dengan “TOMAHAWK”, padahal dia sudah melengkapi dirinya dengan “SCUD B” hasil olah batin sendiri.

Gagal sudah misi dari DK, patah pula rekor keberhasilan dari DB yang selama ini mereka agung-agungkan di setiap konferensi yang mereka ikuti. Misi yang selalu berakhir dengan kata “MISSION COMPLETE” harus berakhir dengan kata “GAME OVER”, sebuah kata yang mereka tak sukai. DK dan DB pulang ke rumahnya dengan tangan hampa diiringi sebait lagu dari Olga Syahputra. “HANCUR … HANCUR … HATIKU … HANCUR … HANCUR … HATIKU, HANCUR … HANCUR … HATIKU,  HATIKU … HANCUR …!!!” ***

 

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